10 Great Rants From the ‘Clerks’ Movies


Primarily following the mundane day-in-the-life of convenience store cashier, Dante Hicks (Brian O’Halloran), and is opinionated and offensive best friend, Randall Graves (Jeff Anderson), the two spend their time debating and complaining about the world around them.



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Within Smith’s View Askewniversethe Clerks world would continue to expand, like Jay (Jason Mewes) and Silent Bob (Kevin Smith) running off to Hollywood, or loitering in a local mall. About the course of the dialogue driven View Askewniverse, countless topics have been up for debate, like love, workplace dilemmas and most importantly, movies. with Clerks III (2022) coming in September, which sees Randall and Dante attempting to make their own movie, fans can bet it will provide a whole new slew of rants.

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Innocent Contractors Died on the Second Death Star

Kevin Smith has long joked that standing around talking about Star Wars made his career. In one of Clerks all-time greatest debates Randall explains to Dante that something just didn’t feel right about that second Death Star blowing up. Randall continues to explain that the first battle station was fully complete, and only full of Stormtroopers and Imperials, so good riddance. However, the second Death Star in Return of the Jedi was still under construction and therefore full of innocent workers.

The debate only thickens when a Quick Stop customer overhears their conversation and chimes in. The customer is a roofing contractor and talks about a job he didn’t take because the owner was a mobster. The debate is whether the workers on the Death Star knew the risk of working with the evil Empire and therefore responsible for their own fate. So who’s to blame?

Annoying Customers

Nearly anyone who has worked behind a counter in retail can tell you some stories of annoying customers, so its no question why Dante and Randall would rant on the types of customers that annoy them. In Clerks Randall pushes Dante into venting about which customers he hates most, and Dante finally bites.

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First up is the Milk Maids, the ladies who dig through the milk fridge trying to find a later expiration date. Randall chimes in about customers who ask dumb questions, questions featuring a cheeky jingle and zoom out to reveal a massive sign with the answer. How about incredibly vague questions or questions that are so particular there is no way they have the answer. Customers and their stupid questions, how dare they.


Lord of the Rings is Just 3 Movies of People Walking

In Clerks II (2006) Dante and Randall have started working at Mooby’s, a fast food chain, and find new employees to debate about movies with. One such employee is the naive Elias (Trevor Fehrman), who is a massive Lord of the Rings fan and begins to share his enthusiasm with a customer. The two whip out their preciouses, flaunting their One Rings, which gets Randall annoyed and in the need to defend the one true trilogy, Star Wars.

Randall lays into the Middle Earth fanatics and says those movies were boring, and just three movies of people walking to a volcano. Demonstrating how boring the movies were, Randall mind-numbingly reenacts all the walking. Even the trees walked in those movies! Ready for his punchline, Randall gets a glimmer in his eye when he knows he’s getting under their skin, and leans in for one last raunchy joke that causes the Lord of the Rings nerd to puke.


Lasagna and the Number 37

Clerks sees Dante juggling his dating life, as he’s flustered about his ex-girlfriend, Caitlin (Lisa Spoonauer) and her recent engagement news, but also coming to grips with the past exploits of his current girlfriend Veronica (Marilyn Ghigliottic). Sharing relationship stories, Veronica confesses that she’s performed a certain sexual service to 37 different guys. No, not in a row, but enough to have Dante upended and angry at such a number.

Continuing to complain and be outraged by the number 37, Dante finally gets some words of wisdom from the most unlikely place. jay (Jason Mewes) and Silent Bob (Kevin Smith) try reason with Dante and expresses the sentiment that the number 37 doesn’t matter, because that it’s all in the past. What they do see is Veronica doing a lot for Dante. Silent Bob finishes the lesson with; “You know, there’s a million fine lookin’ woman in the world dude, but they don’t all bring you lasagna at work. Most of them just cheat on you”.


Maybe My Grandma WAS a Racist

In Clerks II Dante is continuously outraged by how offensive his best friend can be, none more offensive than when he unknowingly drops a racial slur. What Randall honestly believes was not a racial slur starts an incredibly offensive, but hilarious interaction in front of offended customers, comedians Wanda Skyes and earthquake. The argument only thickens as Randall continues to use other racial slurs to convey his point, but eventually comes to a realization.

Arguing that the racial slur he said was just something his cute grandmother used to call him does not convince Dante or Becky in the slightest, furious at Randall’s ignorance. After explaining it even more, Randall finally starts to realize that, oh jeeze, maybe my grandma was actually being racist the whole time.


Cancer Merchant (Chewlies Gum Representative)

Dante and Randall run the store like normal when a particular loiter overstays his welcome. Standing next to the register the customer starts questioning the smokers that come in to buy their cigarettes. The customer begins to lay down the facts, even showing off pictures of a cancerous lung. Before long the Quick Stop builds up a small mob.

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The seemingly honorable customer has riled up all the smokers who spend all their hard-earned money on addictive death sticks that give them cancer. Shouting “Cancer Merchant” and barraging Dante with cigarettes, and suggesting the smokers chew gum instead. The concerned customer actually has a healthy point, but is then outed as a Chewlies gum representative, just trying to build up a ruse to sell gum. The mob relaxes and even continue to buy their pack of cigarettes.


Becky Breaks Down Love

In Clerks II the bickering friends Dante and Randall serve underneath their manager at Mooby’s, Becky, played by Rosario Dawson. Right from her introduction there are hints at feelings between her and Dante, despite him being ready to move off to Florida with is fiancĂ©e. In an intimate scene between the two the casual friends discuss love, with Becky being a tad less romantic.

Becky stresses her disbelief in romantic love and that a humans primary nature when it comes to that arena is just physical. She criticszes Dante for falling for the first girl who came along, and that odds are there’s always a better match out there for you than the person you end up marrying. Her argument closes that Dante is a good catch despite his “unconventional” appearance, but the two give up a few reveals in a well executed exposition scene that comes full circle by the finale.


Coital Discussions About Superheroes

mallrats (1995) stars Jason Lee as comic book nut and mall loiterer Brodie, who has an all too specific imagination about superhero anatomy. Occupying in the same mall as Jay and Silent Bob, Brodie and his best friend TS (Jeremy London) discuss the problems of Lois Lane trying to have Superman’s baby. Brodie believes it to be a scientific impossibility and that Lois’ body couldn’t stand with Superman’s kryptonian vitality.

Later in the movie Brodie stumbles across his idol, the legendary Stan Lee, playing himself in a cameo. Amidst all the relationship advice Lee brings, Brodie is really only concerned about the anatomy of his favorite superheroes. Can Mister Fantastic stretch… everything? The Thing! Is his whole body a rock, like, even his–. Wow, there true believer, the comic book creator later suggests Brodie get some help, because he seems too preoccupied by Superhero organs.


Jay and Silent Bob vs Internet Trolls

Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back (2001) sees the stoner duo traveling to Hollywood to stop a movie based on the comic book characters they inspired. Learning of this movie brings them to the door of Holden McNeil (Ben Affleck) who has some insight on the film, due to the internet buzz.

As glamorous as this miraculous new invention may seem, Jay and Silent Bob are quickly dismayed, as they realize all these internet trolls are making fun of them. This sets Jay into a frenzy, vowing to not rest until they silence all the internet trolls, even it that means marching to Hollywood and stopping the movie, and later busting down some doors. Because, nothing, and they mean nothing, is more important than saving their names from vile internet trolls.

lamentation

While sitting on coolers eating Jaws inspired chips and salsa, Randall finally lets out the appropriate adage “sh*t or get off the pot”. Dante has spent the entire day complaining about his job and his life, complaining about how Randall is content wasting his life away in the convenient store, but Randall fires back telling him to make a change.

Randall lays into Dante in order to get him to bolster the courage to make a change. If your so sick and tired of this job then quit! If you don’t even have the courage to change then you don’t have the right to spend all day whining and moping around complaining. This very same adage would pop up again later in the two friends life after yet another miserable day seen in ClerksII (2006). Will we see another lamentation in Clerks III (2022)?

NEXT: ‘Clerks III’: Release Date, Cast, Trailer and Everything We Know So Far

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